Nurses are the unsung heroes in the hospital. If you are a nurse or know a nurse who is nearing the end of their shift and needs an extra laugh, here are some funny nurse jokes that you can tell anyone.
Hilarious Nurse Jokes To Leave You In Stitches
1. What complications arose when the hospital hired a Roman nurse?
She only issued the IV to bed number 4.
2. What inspires a nurse to move at the speed of light?
A bed alarm or fresh coffee in the breakroom
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3. Why does the infectious disease ward at the hospital have the fastest Wi-Fi?
Because it has all the hot spots.
4. What do you tell a nurse when she administers an injection painlessly?
Good jab.
5. What did the forgetful nurse say?
I have a joke on amnesia, but I forget how it goes.
6. Why did the nurse need a red crayon?
She needed to draw blood.
7. Did you get to know about the nurse who injured his entire left side?
Don’t worry, he’s all right now.
8. What did the nurse say to the man who fainted at the airport terminal?
I think you might have a terminal illness.
9. What did the nurse said when a boy told her he stood on a LEGO?
Try to block out the pain.
10. What did the balloon say to the nurse during the routine checks up?
I am feeling light-headed.
11. Why didn’t one nurse find the other nurse’s joke funny? She had an irony deficiency.
12. What did the cookie say to the nurse?
I am feeling crumby.
13. What do transplant nurses hate?
Rejection.
14. Why was the nurse feeling mad?
He ran out of patients.
15. How was the nurse’s advice on Q-tips received?
It went inside one ear and out of the other.
16. What was the reaction of the patient who broke three ribs while lifting?
He felt like he had a weight on his chest.
17. What did the bucket tell the nurse when she asked what happened?
I am here to see the doctor; I have a pail face.
18. How do you know when a nurse is having a bad day?
He won’t stop needling people.
19. Why did the robot asked the nurse to call the doctor immediately?
Because it had a virus.
20. What did the guy say when the nurse informed him that she was about to deliver the baby?
We want our baby to keep its liver, please!
21. What did the witch say to the nurse?
I have an appointment with the doctor; I had a dizzy spell.
22. What did the nurse advise the patient got heartburn after eating a birthday cake?
She advised him to take the candles off first.
23. Why did the senior nurse appreciate the new nurses’ work?
Her alphabetized list of organ donors was well organ-ized.
24. What did the nurse say to the tonsil?
You should get dressed. The doctor is going to take you out.
25. Why was the nurse found to be so nervous?
Because it was his first shot in the hospital.
26. Why are nurses afraid of the outdoors?
Too much poison IV.
27. What did the nurse say when a patient said, “I have swallowed a spoon”?
Sit down, and please don’t stir.
28. What were the nurses discussing at the medical conference?
One of them asked, “Heard about the germ…? Oh never mind, I should not be spreading it around.”
29. What did the nurse say when a patient who had multiple vegetables stuck to his body asked, “What is wrong with me?”
You’re not eating properly.
30. What did the nurse say when the patient said he felt like a carrot?
The nurse advised him not to get himself in a stew.
31. What did Dracula say to the nurse?
Please call the doctor. I can’t stop coffin.
32. Why did the patient identify the nurse as a curtain? Because she was seen pulling herself together.
33. What did the blood donor say to the nurse?
“I feel super tired; it is such a draining process.”
34. What did the patient ask when the nurse informed him that he had a-cute appendix?
“Compared to whom?”
35. Why did Mr. Peanut go to the hospital?
Because he was a-salted
36. What did the rope say to the nurse?
I have an appointment with the doctor; I have a knot in my stomach.
37. What did the nurse reply when someone asked, “Does an apple a day keeps the doctor away?
Yes, if you aim it nicely.
38. What is it called when a hospital runs out of maternity nurses?
A mid-wife crisis!
39. What did the nurse say to the rocket ship?
It’s time for your booster shot.
40. What did the nurse say when a patient said he swallowed a watch?
These medicines will help pass the time.
41. What did the nurse say to the patient’s family?
“I didn’t have the heart to tell you that the doctor wasn’t able to get the organ donor yesterday.”
42. Why did the banana say to the nurse?
I am here to see the doctor. I am not peeling well!
43. What did the pillow say to the nurse?
Please help; I feel stuffed.
44. How many nurses do you need to change a lightbulb?
It takes just one nurse but she needs 20 seconds to change the lightbulb and 45 minutes to chart it.
45. Why was the ambitious nursing student collecting skulls? She would do it to get a-head of everyone.
46. What did the senior nurse advise the young nurse about her first injection?
Just give your best shot.
47. What did the new night nurse reply when the senior nurse asked her about nitrates?
Are they cheaper in comparison to day rates?
48. What did the nurse say to the patient who fainted at the airport terminal?
You have been diagnosed with a terminal illness.
49. What did the mattress say to the nurse?
I think I have spring fever.
Nurse Jokes To Tickle Your Funny Bone
Need treatment for a sad funny bone? It’s a good thing that we’ve got just the thing. The nurse will see you now and here are some of the best nurse jokes that you can enjoy while resting up. Feel better soon!
50. Knock knock!
Who is there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine in trouble if you forget to do the bedside report.
51. Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Yoda.
Yoda who?
Yoda, the best nurse ever, thanks for taking care of me.
52. The teacher asked the nurse what is bacteria? One of them replied, “Is it a back door to the cafeteria?”
53. Knock, knock!
Who is there?
Night shift.
Night shift who?
Um, nevermind, it’s not that important, it can wait till dayshift.
54. I decided not to vaccinate my daughter…
I let the nurses do it instead; they have more experience.
55. A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back…
A nurse asks her what’s wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!” The nurse shakes her head and says, “I’m sorry…I don’t understand.” The pregnant woman’s face contorts in pain as she shouts, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!” The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor. “Admit her,” the doctor said. “She’s having contractions.”
56. Heard about the man who cut his fingers using an electric saw? When a nurse asked about the cut-off fingers, the man said, “I didn’t have anything to pick them up with.”
57. The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, “You have a cute baby.”
The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all new parents.” “No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.” The husband again asked “So what do you say to the others?” The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”
58. Today I decided to donate blood. After the procedure I asked the nurse what my blood type was out of curiosity. She told me I was type A so I thanked her and left. As I was walking out the door she came sprinting after me and said Wait, I told you the wrong blood type on accident, it was a type O.
59. After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, “Do you have a name yet?” I replied proudly, “Yes, Steve!” She squealed, “Awww! That’s a lovely name!”
“Thanks!” I said. “But what do you think we should call the baby!?”
60. A ghost asked, “Nurse, can you tell me what does the X-ray of my head show? “Absolutely nothing!” she replied.
61. A woman called up St. John’s hospital and asked “I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better”
The nurse replied, “She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days. The woman said, “Thank God! That’s wonderful news!”
Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.
62. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”
63. My Dad and I were talking this morning about my brother’s newborn baby…
Dad: I think the nurse will take out the plastic thingy from the baby’s arm today.
Me: IV?
Dad: I think her name is Brenda, actually.
64. Heard about the guy who kept thinking he was a bell? The nurse asked him to go home and give her a ring if the feeling persists.
65. Patient 1: Why did you run away from the operation table?
Patient 2: The nurse was repeatedly saying ‘don’t get nervous’, ‘don’t be afraid’, ‘be strong’, ‘this is a small operation only’, things like that.
Patient 1: So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?
Patient 2: She was talking to the surgeon!
66. A fellow went to the doctor for a physical examination…
… The doctor found him fit as a fiddle, with no sign of any ailments… but when the man left the office, he dropped dead right outside the door. The nurse hurried in and told the doctor, “That man you just examined fell dead on his way out! What shall we do?” The doctor replied, “Go turn him around so it looks like he was coming in.”
67. A guy calls the hospital.
He says, “You gotta send help! My wife’s going into labor!”
The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?”
He says, “No! This is her husband!”
68. A man walks into a bar, ends up getting into a horrible bar fight and is lying on the floor injured. “Don’t worry,” says the bartender, a Red Cross nurse is in the building and is coming to help you.’ “Oh no,” groans the victim, “couldn’t I have a blonde, cheerful one?”
69. Nurse pops her head into the doctor’s office…..
Nurse: ‘Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.’
Doctor: ‘Tell him I can’t see him.’
70. A nurse walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Are you coming to our big Halloween party?” the bartender asks. “Yes, I’ve already planned my costume. I’m going to come as a horrible monster made entirely out of blood,” the nurse says. “I’m going to be a hemogoblin.”
71. I kept trying to playing hide-and-seek when I was in the hospital but the security kept finding me in the ICU.
72. A man is in a hospital and waits for a nurse to come. After a long time, the nurse comes in and says “Sorry I kept you waiting”
He replies “No worries. I’m patient”
73. Nurse: “Anything else I can get you?”
Patient: “A million dollars!”
74. Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn’t find one.
Doctor: Oops, sorry. I was just checking if my pen work’s.
75. Murphy’s Law of Nursing #59: You finish your charting and realize you’re in the wrong patient’s chart.
76. What did the nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?
Lemme give you a taste of your own medicine
77. Nurse: You know you’re getting hangry when your patient’s meal tray starts to look appetizing.
78. A priest, rabbi, and minister all had to go to the hospital. Turns out, they got alcohol poisoning from going to the bar so much.
79. A man walks into a bar, ends up getting into a horrible bar fight and is lying on the floor injured. “Don’t worry,” says the bartender, a Red Cross nurse is in the building and is coming to help you.’ “Oh no,” groans the victim, “couldn’t I have a blonde, cheerful one?”
80. 4 men are in the hospital waiting room waiting for their babies The nurse walks in and tells the first man: “Congratulations you’re having twins.” The man responds: “That’s a crazy coincidence, i work for the Minnesota twins.”
The nurse tells the second man: “Congratulations you’re having triplets.”
The man responds: “That’s a crazy coincidence, i work for the 3M company.”
The nurse tells the third man: “Congratulations You’re having quadruplets.”
The third man responds: “That’s a crazy coincidence i work at the 4 seasons hotel.”
The fourth man is starts to panic and sweat nervously
The nurse asks him: “What’s wrong?”
He responds: “I work at 7UP”
81. A preist, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse at the front desk notices them waiting and asks them if they know their blood types; they’re very low on specific types of blood, as usual.
The rabbit hurriedly hops up and says “Yep, I’m a type A-.”
The nurse nods to him, cutting off abruptly with a double take.
The room is deadly quiet. The nurse stares with wide eyes, her pen slipping out of her fingers onto the desk. The religious men pray in silenced panic, while the oblivious rabbit softly taps his foot.
“A-are you sure you’re not a Type O?” The nurse prods gently, tensely, hoping to get the joke back on track.
“No,” laughs the rabbit, “you’re probably thinking of the preist!”
82. While trying to avoid hitting a dog, a man deviated from the road and his car fell in a hole beside the road. He crawled hard outside the hole. A pretty woman saw him and stopped her car to help him. “Are you OK?” the woman said. “I am, I guess” the man said while he was trying to stand up “You have some blood on your face, come, get in my car and we will go to my house which is a few minutes from here to clean it and make sure that you didn’t get hurt” she said. “This is very kind of you, but I think my wife will not be happy if I go with you.” the man replied “I insist, I am a nurse and your wife will understand that. Let’s go. The woman was very pretty and kind, so he couldn’t say no. But he kept telling her that his wife would be upset the whole way. When they arrived, she cleaned his face and checked him for other injuries, and then she offered him a juice. “Thank you, I really feel better now.” he said, “But I really think I should go, my wife would be very upset by now.” The pretty woman told him: “You can rest a little if you want, your wife will not know that you are with me here. She is home, isn’t she?” He said: “No, I guess she is still in the hole”
83. Never upset a pediatric nurse. They have very little patients.
84. I was in the hospital and asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches.
She said “suture self”.
85. A woman awakens from a coma, no longer pregnant.
“Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!” The nurse said.
“That’s great! Who named them?” She asked.
“Your husband did. He named the boy Jason.”
“I like that. What about the girl?”
“Jadaughter.”
86. Murphy’s Law of Nursing #47: The poop almost always misses the Chux pad despite your best efforts.
87. A man was hospitalized for 3 weeks. During this time he fell in love with the young pretty nurse. He wrote her a note, “You have stolen my heart”.mThe young nurse in panic responded, “No sir, we have stolen your kidney, haven’t touched your heart.”
88. I remember when my wife gave birth at the hospital & a nurse came out and handed me a swaddled baby. In a sad voice she then told me, “I’m sorry sir but your wife didn’t make it.” I replied back, “Well, this is nice, but could you bring me the baby my wife did make!”
89 Nurse: Don’t mess with me—I get paid to poke people with very sharp objects.
90. I got my 3rd shot today. I asked my nurse if she knew what the chair I sat in was called…
I told her.. “it’s a booster seat”
91. A doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: “I’ll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can’t, I’ll pay you $500!” A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor
“Doctor I cant taste anything!”
Doctor says “nurse go grab vial 43!”, she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer’s tongue.
The lawyer quickly spits it out and says “UGH that’s gasoline!”
Doc gets his $100.
Lawyer comes back the next day to try again, and claims he has lost his memory.
Doc says “No problem, nurse bring me vial 43!”
Lawyer says “But that’s the gasoline!!”
Doc happily takes his $100, and lawyer walks out quite frustrated.
Finally on the third day the lawyer thinks he has the solution. Goes in and tells the Doc he has lost his sight.
Doc ponders a second and finally let’s out a sigh. He begrudgingly walks the lawyer out to the cash register and hands him five $1 bills.
Lawyer says, “Hey wait that’s only $5!”
Doc smiles and says “That’ll be $100.”
